thank you for smoking~

i have decided to quit smoking once n for all...
it was to be my birthday gift to myself~

2 days before my day of days i bought my last pack of Marlboro Reds and smoked every stick with the up most indulgence... savouring every breath...

i played with the smoke as it drifted out of my mouth... moving my lips to alter the flow... it made patterns in the air.. rings of smoke floated playfully in the wind-less enclosure of my room...

i liked smoking... it wasn't just a habit..it was a place to go.... Where I could just shut out the rest of the world and find a little bit of time, and peace for myself.... Just a little bit~

Till now, i dont even know why im quiting.... sure smoking kills u.. but idunwannaliveforever~ i had no reason at all, that appealed to me, to quit~ when i reached my last stick, i couldn't bring myself to finish the last one.... i didnt want it to end... had no reason to...~

In fact, it would actually help me more if i continued~
But this morning ... i lit the last one up anyway... i figured, things can happen for no reason... i had no reason to quit, i had no one to quit for, i did not fear the consequences of not quiting... but i did it anyway, for no reason~

Its been 2 days since i've stopped.. my head hurts every now & then, and i feel real grouchy everytime i wake up... all of which i think i'll be able to overcome sooner or later~

i sit at the non-smokin area everytime i go to starbucks now... is a pretty cool change i guess... but i dont know how long this will last... i keep adding reasons to make me start smoking again... but i've got none to make me stop...

oh well...
i'll think of one sooner or later~

today's a good day~

the sun is burning down like a bitch .. there are no birds singing.. there are no flowers blooming..

I have tons of stuff to do and so little time... i've got to study for sch and complete my assignments.. my room is a mess.. there isnt anything good on TV...

My friends have all got plans... my family are all not home...

But...
today's a good day~

Upon waking up this morning, i could sense it already... everything looked the same but everything was so different...
the air felt fresher... the sky looked blue-er... but this day was the same as every other day... except today.. i was lookin at it from a different prespective...

Today i wake up feeling glad and happy...for no reason wat so ever i felt opimistic..~
All my worries.. and all my doubts have been answers on this day... i feel as if my eyes have been opened... as if i was enlightened... it was like a storm had been lifted and i could see the sun shine again...

Just for today... i've decided to be nice... to be kinder... to be generous..
just for today, i want to be opitmistic and not be let down...
Just for today.. i will not frown.. i will not be sad.. i will not complain..
Everything today is perfect in its own imperfection... everything i eat will taste gr8 ... everyone i meet will be friendly... everything i do, will be done with passion~

These words may all sound really Gay~ but i dont care...
for today is a good day~
and it is comforting knowing it's going to last....~

incubus~

the time now is about 4:15 am in the morning...

i had just had the most insane nightmare.... i've had insane nightmares before.. but, it's been a while since i had one this intense....

i mean.. seriously.. i'm shaking right now... it has to be a significant nightmare to make me wake up at 4 in the morning on a sch night just to write this shit...

im trying to think happy thoughts.. but i realised i dont have any... & since im tryin to quit smokin... cant do tat either... im not religous so cant pray... tried meditating, but tats just lame... So, i've decided to write a little... calms me down... n allows me to get some few things off my chest...~

Let me start frm the beginning... b4 i slept today.. i spent a gd clean hr tossin n turnin.. some times just sittin up n starin my 4 walls cause i couldn't sleep.. there was alot going on in my mind, stuff i would not like to share with u all... but the stuff was real actual event happenin in my Life currently and it was.. i guess ... messing my sleep up...

Anyway, i've been researchin on nightmares a couple of min ago n it says that ( i quote..) "Evil thoughts are actually material things manifested by us. In other words by believing in raw evil you can actually create it. " -Edgar Cayce

also.. tat ( i quote again..) "Nightmares can also signify deeply rooted psychological problems. Individuals suffering from these forms of post traumatic stress disorder is common for them to be haunted by nightmares as they relive the traumatic event. "

It also says i should seek counselling... hmm maybe im going crazy... or maybe i just dont talk about my problems to ppl... ~

Ah well... i'll get over it eventually.. life goes on~
But i have never felt this scared n alive at the same time... it was truly an adrenaline rush... however.. it's also one tat has left me breathing heavily by my bedside.. a tramatic event.. if u wiLL~

Now... i bet u all wanna know.. wat is this dream i had thats makin me write at 4 in the morning just to calm myself down...

Well, like all dreams .. i cant really remember much after wakin up.. but here it goes anyway...

It kinda starts like right away... im running to a destination.. or im being chases thru out this whole dream.. till now i cant really tell which is it.. running or running away.. i think is a bit of both though...

Anyway.. like i said.. im runnin(or being chased) n im like runnin thru these buildings .. hopin thru the windows n jumpin down stairs in a mad dash to whereever im suppose to go( or run away frm...)

I'm with a couple of ppl.. n we're all running.. i breakin into house to take short cuts... lots of tat... i remember feelin afraid tat the owners would come back n find us.. or if they were already in the house, find us n catch us....

All these houses tat i'm eligibly breakin into are all mansions with lots of sofas n cusions cause i remember falling alot n having those break my fall...
The last part of the dream was .. i was exiting this mansion house thing n the owners came back.. they were in a car they knocked me over with it.. i got flung onto the hood n they were like tryin to grab thru the windows of the car.. then i got off n ran towards this gate.. but there was another car.. n it blocked my way.. so i was trapped.. then all these "owners" came out of their cars n started chasin me....

ok.. so it wasnt about man-eating monsters or serial killers... its just some lame dream of being chases... but it was scary.. n it really creeped me out man... didnt want to wake my family members up.. n i couldnt call anyone at 4 in the morning to talk.. so tat extra feelin of loneliness n havin no one to talk to really sucks...

i dont know wat to do now... do i go back to sleep... do i just watch tv & wait till sch starts... i doubt i'll have another nightmare.. they never occur twice in a night...

I know a NIghtmare is'nt reaL.. i know.. tat its just ur sub-concious mind playin tricks on u .... a Nightmare has nothin to do with Satanism or EviL... nor ghosts or monsters... its simply just a movie tat plays in ur head when u sleep...~

But stiLL....
tat was one heLL of a Nightmare...~

i hate mondays~

i hate mondays n all things tat falls on a monday or anything tat happens on a monday...

Monday's r a bitch~

the minute we wake up on a monday there's just this aura of shear contemn & disrelish towards the rest of the day.... its something no one can explain or figure out.. A monday radiates a sense of self-loathing n utter discontent upon u and affects everything u do...

its effects are contagious n is easily transmitted to another like a virus of depression... every frown u see... every shoe sole u hear draggin across the concreate floor.. is a sign tat Monday is here...~

i've tried... really i have.. to not HATE mondays... i try thinkin happy thoughts n
to look on the bright side of all the Shit tat this oh so wicked day has brough upon me... but it was futile... the curse of Monday is far to Sinister to be tainted by my actions...~

And so.. we continue to live a life of heLL.. once in every week... for 24-hrs..
We dread it on sunday nights... we relinquish when it passes... week after week... mth after mth...

i will always hate mondays... Mondays will always hate me... so i say this to u ... oh Malevolent Master of Mondays~

FuuuuuuCK yoU~


Fre3ze out~

i hate waiting~

i hate waiting....~

How much of human life is lost in waiting.....
Be it waiting in line at the MaLL.. or for a movie to start... or even waiting for someone to call or to reply...

Waiting is a Trap... there will always be a reason to wait...
Sometimes its never worth the wait... but still... we wait.....~

i hate waiting...~

Waiting is painful... it takes u to a place of isolation & loneliness...
In that short period of time spent waiting.. for watever reason it maybe..... ur transported to a different world.....

In this world... time moves ever so slow... ur mind starts to wander... u start to think of the future.. & the past... u think of wat could have been.. n wat had become...

In this Realm of Waiting... u feel insecure... ur mind begs for an objective.. but u cant give it one... u cant.... u stare intensively at everything... but nothin catches ur eye... u cant focus in this world... cant concentrate... waiting does tat to u...

i hate waiting...~

the events tat happen in our lives happen in a sequence in time, half of which we spend our lives trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save....

life is short... we're all basically just waiting to die~
I didn't know wat the full dimensions of forever is, but given tat time.. i wouldn't waste i second of it waiting..

i hate to wait... everyone does... but we cant stop... its nesesary in our everyday life... So here we sit... hopeing.... wishing... & waiting... for watever reason we choose to wait for...

and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it~